To be or not to be.. honest

I'm on holidays. That leaves a lot of time for thinking. I have returned from visiting my new love over the weekend ( we are trialling a long distance relationship for 12 months.. a whole other story )to my everyday life. It is like my time with him is in some parallel universe. I have been seperated for 2 years today. My ex is still hell bent on making my life miserable. All in the name of "love" of course.
But its not really.
He is just mad that he lost all the power.

So this is pretty typical of how things go between us. Lately Anyway. Next week it could be a whole other story.

So he comes to pick up the children on Friday afternoon and sees I have some packed bags for the weekend. "Where are you going?" he asks, trying to sound like he is not interested. It is then that I have a decision to make. Do I tell him Im going to visit my lover for the weekend, that I will be 4 hours away and unable to come to the childrens aid should they require me, or lie and make up another story?
I choose what I always choose with him.
I lie.
I tell him Im off to the city for new years eve.
"Oh, well drive safe" he replies, I don't know if he believes me.

Why should I care?
Why can't I just be honest?

He knows I am in a new relationship, and have been for 18 months. But I still don't want him to know about it. I still hide that I am happy for the first time in 10 years. When he first heard that I was in a new realtionship I didn't tell him the truth because I was scared he would attempt to take custody of the children.

But now I just cant be honest about it.

I owe this man nothing and yet I avoid the issues surorunding my new relationship because he has a knack if making me feel guilty about it. Could it be that I have unresolved issues surrounding moving on with a new man? I have asked myself this question over and over. I am now in the most mature and adult realtionship I have ever been in. It is healthy, equal, balanced and honest and respectful. So why can't I be upfront and to hell with the tantrums my ex throws?

My new love calls my Ex my "Ex Wife" as he says that he has never seen a man whine and complain about things so much.
And he's right.
I put up with it.
I avoid upsetting him.

Phew! anyway that is way heavier than I had planned to be. This Blog is supposed to be light, insightful and fun. Ha ha!! oops!

So anyway I have had a weekend away. we take it in turns once a month to drive the 4 hours to see each other. Into that life of love, lust, sleep, cuddles, more sleep and just drinking in all that is great about new love. It is a haven. I feel so spolit. Not literally. But just indulgent when we are together. So much time doing very little. In a world where life is 100 miles an hour and I barely have a minute to spare, time with him is spent in slow mode..
But..
Theres always a but isn't there?
He doesn't talk much. I talk a lot. I have often joked that I dont think that I could ever be in a relationship where the man talks more than I do.
It doesn't appear to bother him much. When I have apologised for it he simply replies,"That's just you". He doesn't complain about it. Or chastise me for it, he just accepts it. Quietly.
It's nice to be accepted. Never have I been this acceptable to someone. which is why I cannot understand why I continue to, when I am confronted with my ex, be that down trodden pathetic woman I was when I was married . Now I am happy with myself, I have a man who is accepting of all of me, he doesn't ask me to change or to alter myself he loves me for who I am.. So I should feel empowered shouldn't I?. Hmm will have to work on that one.

Which one am I?

Firstly, I'll let you in on a secret. I know nothing about blogs and only a little about the Internet and all that I do know is because of my young Gen Y friends on Facebook. But I found myself with some time today and a strong desire to connect with other women, who, like myself, find themselves spending the holiday season in an entirely different way to how they thought they would in their thirties.

After saying goodbye to my new love, I am now in limbo waiting for the agreed pick up time to retrieve my children and continue with the annual chirtsmas to new year week of BBQ's, friends, sun and late nights. Are there other people out there feeling like they are 20 years old when they have no children to look after, enjoying wine and friends then retiring into the hunky arms of a new man? Then getting up putting on the 30 year old life of Mother and ex wife, picking up the kids, nodding and "oohing and ahhing" when they tell you how they spent their time away from you, all the while you are reliving the last passionate kiss and carefree moments you have only just stepped away from? Some say motherhood is a juggling act, and it is but motherhood, ex-wifehood, new girlfriend hood, its more of a splintering of your personality. They are all part of you but they are such different facets of you.

I guess I want to know that I'm not alone. I live in a small town. Its difficult to find people that are experiencing or have experienced the same things you have. We are the first generations of women that are living these lives.. openly. So why do I still feel like I should be hiding parts of my life? I want this to be a forum for those parts of women that we feel we can't admit to.. but need to. I don't want to feel ashamed of finding love and indeed the joys of Sex in my thirties, Ti's the season for rejoicing! and I intend to. I want to enjoy my children, my career and my lover everyday.. I just gotta figure out how to do it all together..

P.s I have not posted a photo of myself just yet.. just a photo of the beginning of the rest of my life.. more on that later